Be a Trekkie!
by Sam Shim, shim@eecs.umich.edu
Are you tired, bored, or disgusted with your lifestyle? Are you looking
for a change? Move up in life and become a trekkie! All it takes is a few
steps which is easier than you think. And you'll enjoy doing it too.
Just go to the nearest video store and rent every single Star Trek
episode and movie and watch it several times, in addition to watching the
syndicated Star Trek: The Next Generation series and reading every Star
Trek book, comic, and magazine in existence. That's all there is to change
your lifestyle permanently! While doing this, you will notice the subtle
changes occurring in your lifestyle, such as:
Loss of good hygiene habits. You new lifestyle requires a constant
focus on Star Trek. You will be going to Star Trek conventions, discussing
Star Trek technology with friends, reading Star Trek books, comics, and
magazines, and most of all, reading and posting to rec.arts.startrek. This
will require all of your free time, and you won't have time for petty
details such as bathing, combing your hair, cutting your fingernails, or
shaving. Changes in your dress. You will find yourself throwing away all of
your clothes, going to the nearest clothing store and stocking up on
corduroy pants and plaid shirts. You will also be buying items such as
Spock ears, communicator buttons and pocket protectors to wear with your
new clothes. And if you wear contacts, you will get rid of them and buy
plastic glasses. Your new dress style will make you stand out from the
crowd, and help other Trekkies identify you as a Trekkie easily. Star Trek becomes the center of your new lifestyle, your new reality.
You will live, eat and breath Star Trek, and will always be talking about
it. Like a good researcher who references all of his/her sources, whenever
you take a quote from Star Trek, you should reference which
episode/movie/book/etc... it was taken from and who stated it. You can
impress everyone will your knowledge. Best of all, your knowledge and
mastery of Star Trek applies to everyday life. Here are some examples:
You are attending a physics conference and you overhear some professors
about the role of time in our universe and whether time travel is possible.
You can leave a lasting impression on their minds by mentioning that time
travel is possible at a speed of warp 10 as stated Commander William Riker
and that there should be more research in warp technology and achieving
warp 10. They might not understand what you are talking about, but if that
is so, it is because they are not as well versed in the physics and
technology of time travel as you are. You are at a United Nations conference on humanitarian aid to third
world countries where a discussion the merits on increasing aid is being
held. You can inform others that "As Spock so eloquently stated in Star
Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan 'logic dictates that the needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few'". You will leave a lasting impression to
everyone attending the conference. You are taking a tour of NASA headquarters when you just happen to run
into the head of NASA. You can leave a lasting impression by asking him,
"Why is NASA expending its resources on space travel via shuttles when
transporter technology is faster and more efficient?" You are present at a supercomputer conference in which several
computer manufacturers are discussing new advances in processor speed and
primary storage capacity, but which you don't find very impressive to
Data's processing speed which is rated at sixty trillion operations a
second and Data's primary storage capacity of eight hundred quadrillion
bits as stated in 'Measure of a Man'. By mentioning this example, you can
leave a lasting impression to everyone at the conference and to the
computer manufacturers. You're late to work because you had to go to the optometrist. On your
way in, you happen to run into your boss and he/she asks you where you
were. You can inform him that you had diagnostics performed on your
malfunctioning visual sensory organs and the proper corrective measures
have been implemented. You'll leave a lasting impression on his/her mind.
Sounds appealing? What are you waiting for? Join millions of others in
the Trekkie lifestyle! It's the best thing you can do for yourself!
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